tales from the taxi uncle

Wise Words from a Hardworking Taxi Uncle

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 03:38:34 +0800

Taxi Uncle: Girl- without a degree in this country you are nothing. Look at me? I’m an O’Level pass- worked for a major MNC but I was made redundant because I wasn’t qualified enough. I’m driving 12 hours a day now to make sure my children get a university degree. My oldest son is in Australia already.

What have you studied ah girl?

Me: Uncle I have a Masters Degree.

Uncle: Waaah- you must earn a lot of money right?

Me: I earn decently.

Uncle goes quiet for a while. I was fiddling with my phone.

Uncle: How much a masters’ degree cost ah?

Me: I paid about $40K for mine.

Uncle: Ok set- I’ll call up my bank and save for the kids’ masters degree also. Degree very important la. Me- I can still drive a few hours more each night- no problem.

I’ve never really thought about the sacrifices my parents made to put my through college until then. I went back home and hugged my parents.

(**ed’s note: :’) thanks, div!”)

"The other day, a lot of 帅哥美女 (*handsome guys and beautiful women) gathered at this hotel. So..."

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 12:22:40 +0800

“The other day, a lot of 帅哥美女 (*handsome guys and beautiful women) gathered at this hotel. So good-looking, they could all go join Mediacorp. You know why? SIA was holding interviews! ….
Eh! [insert vulgarity starting with b; mood has shited abruptly as car in front gives way to another even though all cars around are in a jam] Who asked you to give way? I know this kind of male driver, they like to pretend in front of a woman that they are ‘gentlemen’, that’s why they give way even when they don’t need to.”

- (ed’s note: credits to S again!)

Taxi Driver: I don't like bak kut teh. Anyway, it's very bad for health. Mustn't eat it too often.

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 12:19:49 +0800

Taxi Driver: I don't like bak kut teh. Anyway, it's very bad for health. Mustn't eat it too often.
Passenger: (startled, timidly) But I eat it once in maybe about 6 weeks or so...
Taxi Driver: That's okay. But I have a group of friends who used to go out to eat it every week together and you know what? Eight in ten of them had open-heart surgery.

(**ed's note: credits to S!)

"I can tell you are very soft-spoken and demure. That’s good, you will make a good wife. When I..."

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 12:18:16 +0800

“I can tell you are very soft-spoken and demure. That’s good, you will make a good wife. When I married I made sure my wife was soft-spoken. And she never disagrees with me! So it’s very good that you are soft-spoken. (Oct 2012)”

- (**ed’s note: thanks S! sucks for the rest of us non-soft-spoken and non-demure types tho.)

The Crazy Racist

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 14:11:04 +0800

Yesterday, a mad old man in a taxi queue called me an “Indian Bitch” and asked me to “go back to my country”.

He was upset because I was behind him in the taxi queue, but I got a taxi going my direction that no one in the queue wanted. The mad old man didn’t want the cab either.

Did he expect me to give up the cab like a silly martyr and wait in queue? Since when did being a Singaporean also mean having no common sense?

Annoyed at the public humiliation, I yelled back “I’m Singaporean you Ch** B**” and got into the taxi fuming.

The taxi uncle, who was vastly entertained, cheekily opened with, “Wah Girl you very garang eh. I like garang girls. Too bad I so old- otherwise I go dating with you”.

It was a good ice-breaker. I quipped back, “Aiya uncle, you xiao or what?”

After that wonderful opening, we spent the rest of my drive home trading stories about growing up in a kinder, gentler and more colour-blind Singapore.

**ed’s note: submitted by deviousdiv. thanks div, this is a real gem!

"you come back to work on Saturday, you better claim your taxi fare! don’t let your company..."

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 13:25:53 +0800

“you come back to work on Saturday, you better claim your taxi fare! don’t let your company cheat you ok??”

"i know the man who owned the prata house. he is a damn good man. now he has lost everything he owns,..."

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 22:49:22 +0800

“i know the man who owned the prata house. he is a damn good man. now he has lost everything he owns, not a penny to his name. it’s very very sad.”

"once a upon a time, my father went to look at houses in serangoon gardens. then he say he wanted to..."

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 22:48:06 +0800

“once a upon a time, my father went to look at houses in serangoon gardens. then he say he wanted to buy one house in, i don’t know lah, coway? conway? and at that time it was $40,000! but then my mother said it was too far lah don’t know what. and now? wah lau. wasted, never buy. you know how expensive the houses there are now? damn sayang.”

"Girl, you local Chinese? Sorry, I thought you Japanese lah. You keep nodding your head just now I..."

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 14:29:05 +0800

“Girl, you local Chinese? Sorry, I thought you Japanese lah. You keep nodding your head just now I thought you Japanese.”

"you all this kind live in serangoon gardens one, you know driving in your estate at night can die..."

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 00:37:00 +0800

“you all this kind live in serangoon gardens one, you know driving in your estate at night can die one? take this road take that road, very confusing leh!”

"wah girl, you mean tonight your show at esplanade your cheapest ticket is $30? last time i watch in..."

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 00:32:28 +0800

“wah girl, you mean tonight your show at esplanade your cheapest ticket is $30? last time i watch in victoria concert hall, only $5 leh! but [laughs] of course that time you not even born yet lah. but our esplanade is world-class you know? like got international rank one!”

"these days, got no taxi at this time (12 midnight) one. you know why? because it’s exam..."

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 00:06:14 +0800

“these days, got no taxi at this time (12 midnight) one. you know why? because it’s exam period! all the kiasu parents all go home early to watch their children do homework. then next month, even worse. school holiday, so everyone not around.”

respect level up 999

Fri, 07 Sep 2012 06:36:50 +0800

me: (hops into taxi) uncle..

uncle: right? I see you 4th time already.

me: *mindblown*

uncle: ya.. everytime at 8.20am if i pass by i will slow down this area because i know you will be there and that you are late. don't worry, i will make you be on time for work!

:I arrived on time and feeling awesome: shiok shiok don't need give directions all the way!

:(**ed's note: thanks pk! ;))

when in a quarrel, do as taxi uncles do

Sat, 01 Sep 2012 23:49:12 +0800

There was this uncle that told me that if I ever found myself in a quarrel with another driver, I should spit on his face and let him hit me. I should then rush to the hospital to get a medical report on the injury and then sue him later for battery and he won’t have anything to back his claim because the spit will be washed off.

(**ed’s note: thanks ron :))

"i say to my daughters, they are still teens, that after they study, they must go out to the world to..."

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 00:28:11 +0800

“i say to my daughters, they are still teens, that after they study, they must go out to the world to work and to “suffer”. in the commercial world, it is a different ball game, to each his own. then when you have conflicts, you really see the ugly side of humans.”

"I always tell my passenger, to try to enjoy what you do. It’s never easy to find a job that..."

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 16:11:11 +0800

“I always tell my passenger, to try to enjoy what you do. It’s never easy to find a job that you like to do. I still enjoy driving the taxi, hope the fuse don’t blow out on me!”

"I’ve been a night cabby for the last seven years, so my body clock has changed totally! I am..."

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 16:08:26 +0800

“I’ve been a night cabby for the last seven years, so my body clock has changed totally! I am what you call a “night owl”, I work the “US shift”!”

"That’s because they don’t do as the Romans do. Nobody asked you to go Malaysia and show off your BMW..."

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 23:18:45 +0800

“That’s because they don’t do as the Romans do. Nobody asked you to go Malaysia and show off your BMW and Porsche what. Just drive small car there can already. Right? Right? When you go to other countries, you must do like the Romans do what. Then got no problem. Ah? Remember that. It’s very important for your life to follow what the Romans do. Sure got no trouble after that.”

- Taxi Uncle on why people get kidnapped in other countries (1 July 2012)

(**ed’s note: credits to VT for the post!)

6th sense

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 22:44:02 +0800

taxi uncle: you always taxi one right?
me: how you know?
taxi uncle: the way you say go here, go there, which lane, reach your house fast fast, of course, i know.

"You just finish work ah? Yah Singapore standard, chor buay liao one. Must take care of your health..."

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 13:54:41 +0800

“You just finish work ah? Yah Singapore standard, chor buay liao one. Must take care of your health number one, number two your money.”